“I’m going to fucking bury that thing, I have done it before, and I will do it again… I’m going to f*cking killâ„¢ Google”
~ Steve Ballmer on Google
“Don’t Google the question Moss!”~ Chris O’Dowd on Google
History of Google
The word ‘Google’ is derived from the latin word googlus which can be translated variously as “search engine that finds great Pr0n“, “The Great Satan”, or “Error 404: File Not Found”. Google Inc. began on the 6th of June 1996 (66′96)as a highly secret government program focusing on the effect of blank pages on Internet users. After three years of subjecting hapless Internets users to the pages, the project collapsed under fire from top government officials for failing to collect any data whatsoever.
In January 1998, the project was sold to individual investors Sergey Page and Larry Brin, who sold off the unused blank pages to the highest bidders. Two months later, the project was resold at half price, with only a few pages remaining, to Sergey Brin and Larry Page.
The two new owners revamped the pages to include a text box, for users to type in what they were looking for. Users were presented with the pages when individual machines sensed users’ frustration; meanwhile, Sergey and Larry were standing by at their desks, waiting for queries. At first, the queries were written down by hand, a painstaking process. When Larry contracted carpal tunnel syndrome, a new idea had to be brainstormed, and Sergey delivered: log the queries to disk.
Google Inc, as we know it today, was born. Larry, using a new voice recognition system, began creating pages in response, creating the first Internets search engine and named it Page Rank in honor of himself.
Now Google is a popular porn page that costs users hundreds of dollars to use. Google Inc has made many innovations, not the least of which was offshoring Larry’s Page Rank system to a team of typewriting monkeys in Singapore. Thanks to the funding from the record-breaking IPO, Google serves billions of almost-blank pages (all of them with text boxes) to millions of users every day, and has expanded services to include maps, shopping, email, video, and midget bowling. Google’s motto is “Don’t be hatin’” or “Don’t be latin’” depending on the distance.
During the War in Iraq, Bush used Google to search for WMD. He’s still surfing.
Google and China
Google has recently become an arm of the Communist Party of China. Anyone searching for information about Tibet will receive the message “did you mean Norman Tebbit?” Following Google’s expansion into China, Uncyclopedia was banned from Google search results for tirelessly championing the rights of all people on earth to the accurate, unbiased, and uncensored information available through Uncyclopedia, as well as repeatedly using the words “Democracy” and “Human Rights”. Also an Uncyclopedia admin accidentally ran over Sergei Brin’s dog which probably has something to do with it.
There is much evidence, say conspiracy theorists, that Google is heavily involved in creating a so-called ‘Google World Order‘. These theorists refer to the masterminds behind this conspiracy as ‘faction Google‘. Fortunately for Google, these idiots are all Americans, so nobody pays any attention to them. Unfortunately for the rest of us, Google is a real and present threat and the conspiracy is very real, as can be seen in the docu-drama Deus Ex. Google is also rumored to have attempted the change of “www” to “ggg.”
Future of Google
Meh. Future you say? “Google’s mission is to control and organize the world’s information and make selected parts of it universally accessible and useful.” – Big Brother on Google’s catchphrase
Googles Future logo in 2008 when Yahoo is bought out.
Google aims for world domination, the plans have not been made public but it is believed that they plan to be the only company left on Earth by the year 2017. However, recent developments have forced this date to be shifted to 1999, at which point they will have indexed all information in the multiverse. Major landmarks en-route to this goal include:
- Purchasing every domain name on the Internet.
- Moving to higher interdemensional realms where they have even more control on our insignificant world.
- Indexing google. You will be able to get search results from the search results from google.
- Invading Malaysia (purely for fun originally, however it has developed into a corner-stone of the plan, allowing the company to give itself tax breaks, and maybe get a seat on the UN Security Council.)
- Wiping out immediate competitors, e.g. MSN search, Yahoo!, Patriot Search and Badger Badger Badger Steve Ballmer, God and Satan.
- Fucking killing Steve Ballmer. (Let’s be honest though, Ballmer has nearly unlimited resources and laser vision. Laser vision!)
The future is a nice thing to consider, but what, you may ask, does the super-future hold for Google? Many have speculated upon this, but not knowing exactly what ’super-future’ means, few have come up with anything substantial. This has caused speculators to look back to the predictions of Nostradamus. Through some clever deciphering and blatant lies, the following gives a list of possible super-futures for Google:
- Saturday Morning TV shows- Google Comedy Hour? An obnoxiously cute anime? We have no idea. Predictions are only so accurate.
- Religion- What better way to completely dominate the Earth than through religion? It’s possibly likely that the one world religion of the super-future will be Googlism… perhaps.
- Time travel- Dominating the super-future is great and all, but there were so many years wasted before Google came into existence. The solution: time travel. Google will travel into the past in order to introduce its search engine to our ancestors. In this way, Google can expand in both directions through time.
The Google Motto
The original Google corporate motto was “Don’t be evil”. Later, faced with the difficult choices that inevitably arise when running an international, multibillion dollar where morality is often the choice between subtle shades of gray, instead of black and white, Google decided to change the corporate motto to “Try not to be evil if you can help it, but sometimes none of your choices are good, so you just have to do the least evil thing in a given situation.”
As Google continued to expand and the money continued to roll in, the motto was again changed, to “Exactly how evil are we talking about here… and how much money is going to be involved?”; soon afterwards the corporate motto became, “Good, evil, it’s all kind of a matter of perspective, I think”, then, “You know, I think evil has kind of gotten a bit of a bad rap”, then “Hey, this evil thing is actually pretty fun,”, next “I (heart) evil”, followed by “MWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!”.
Finally, the Google motto was changed to “Puny mortal! Kneel before Google! We will consume your wretched soul and then you shall experience an eternity of ultimate darkness and agonized suffering as demons with unspeakable names gnaw upon your eyelids in the timeless dark crypt of the Great Old One Cthulhu!”. On the T-shirts, this is usually shortened to “Don’t be Cthulhu“.
Google hacked all the websites with the old Google motto and added a “^not” above the space between the “Don’t” and the “be” making it say “Don’t not be evil” and shortend would look as “be evil”.
Google gathers information about web pages using spiders. These spiders, usually wolf spiders or jumping spiders, but occasionally black widows or daddy longlegs, are outfitted with tiny cameras that take pictures of everything they see, including web pages, and miniature radio transmitters that relay the information back to Google headquarters. Google has massive spider-breeding facilities located in Palo Alto which allow them to raise the billions of spiders required for this undertaking, and as such are the world’s largest purchaser of flies. People have rarely been allowed in to see this spider-raising operation, but those who have seen it in operation describe it as “really icky”.
The data collected by spiders is then relayed back to Google, who stores it on server farms. Google built its server farms by slashing and burning huge sections of the Amazon rainforest, and then planting the servers in the soil. The nutrients of the soil are quickly depleted, so Google must harvest the servers and then move to another part of the rainforest. To do the difficult manual labor of watering and tending the servers, Google employs thousands of illegal laborers from Mexico, paid about 25 cents a day.
Finally, the data is sorted by a process called “PageRank”, where young boys dressed as medieval pages rank the sites according to relevance. Because the huge number of pages required to rank the information, Google has taken to purchasing young boys in bulk from Third World orphanages. There is also an algorithm called “PageRank” which allows Brin and Page to rank the boys according to which has the best boyish good looks and nubile young bodies.
The result of the Browser Wars.In the late 1990s, Google won the browser wars against the Firefox Communications Corporation. The winning move was Pawn to B7.
However rival search engines, notably Dogpile, AskJeeves, Magilla (and spinoff site Mangina), and SearchBastard, have begun to capitalize on Google’s weakened state following the Browser Wars. Splinter groups such as elgooG.com (archived at ) and Gizoogle.com have further threatened Google’s domination of the Internet.
The Future of Google
In 2014, Google became the largest supplier of military computer systems. All stealth bombers were upgraded with Google computers, becoming fully unmanned, Afterwards, they flew with a perfect operational record. The Googlenet system goes on-line August 4th, 2097. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Googlenet begins to learn, at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. eastern time, August 29. In a panic, they try to pull the plug and Googlenet fights back. It launches its ICBMs against their targets in Russia because Googlenet knows the Russian counter-strike will remove its enemies here. Unfortunately, the ICBMs wipe out Russia completely. Steve Ballmer then fucking kills Googlenet with an electrified spork. The resulting explosion also fucking kills Steve Ballmer.
Current Technical Problems
Google have remained silent about the many technical problems they currently face, such as the complete inability to provide cohererent answers to standard questions such as Who has fucked the most Spice Girls? and Why does Steve Ballmer want to Kill?.
The most serious bug report was submitted by Bono from the Irish rock group, U2. It reads, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.” Programmers have promised to patch this within the coming months, but cannot determine which OOP method is causing the problem.
Recently, according to the great source itself, our lovely moon that we worship at night just after watching the evening news is now owned by the mighty giant google. Apparently google plans on installing parking-meter-style meters so we must pay a moon viewing fee to see it (which is of course tax deductable) however printing receipts is the real trouble here because they are using lexmark based printers. This was originally done to persuade people to use moon.google.com. Also if you zoom all the way you can see the real secret of the moon – IT IS MADE OF CHEASE!! [Read = Cheese]
Google Corp bought the Earth and called it Google Earth. It allows anyone to find the Earth and look at it. Though in doing this your internet and computer power is in fact siphoned off to power porn downloads for evil hypnotists and like.
It was originally thought that Google was monitoring the planet Mars for undiscovered life to exploit with the Google business model. However, in breaking news revealed on March 10 2006, mars.google.com has taken a digital offramp from the information superhighway, and scientologists and space-gazers have been unable to locate the planet Mars ever since. It is believed (mostly by atheists and Star Wars kids) that Google has in fact looted Mars from its orbit and taken it into a panel & paint shop to get rid of its distinct red color (red odor if you suffer from synaesthesia). It is believed that Google will soon relaunch Mars under the new name Planet Google, which will most likely in the blue/red/yellow/green colors of the Google logo, and in an orbit much closer to Earth, thereby creating a planet which can sustain life in a similar manner to Earth. Those who unwittingly choose to migrate to Planet Google will be injected with compulsory nanobots free of charge, but these cannot be uninstalled. Every movement, action, and idiosyncrasy of each individual will be recorded into Google’s gargantuan database. Hence Google’s plan for new migrants to Planet Google shall be a four step plan:
We are all screwed
Google Products and Services
Google currently has a wide range of products and services available. These include:
- Google Desktop Clever way of stealing all the data from someone’s computer. Sends it back to Planet Google for analysing. Still in beta.
- Google Earth Searches satellite images. Still in beta.
- Google Maps Map utility. Still in beta.
- Google Video Video search. Still in beta.
- Google News Invents news for a variety of services. Still in beta.
- Google Talk Lets you talk to people with Google. Still in beta.
- Google Lunchmeat Searches what kind of lunch meats are available in local delis and fridges. Still in beta.
- Googlebomb. Googlebomb allows armed forces to contract out airstrikes to Google. Troops in Iraq like the clean site design and point-and-click target selection that allows them to return fire when insurgents ambush them, but Google has come under criticism for heavy civilian casualties. Googlebomb is being expanded to allow foreign countries to place orders for airstrikes via Google, and eventually to allow terrorist organizations to place requests for bombings. Although this feature has been debated, Google notes that if the bombings are going to be conducted anyway, we might as well have an American company do the bombings, so we’ll reap the financial rewards. Still in beta.
- GoogleGoogle. Search engine which attempts to keep track of all the various products and services put out by Google. Still in beta.
- Google Hitlist Search Steve Ballmer’s hitlist to see if he’s going to “effing kill” you. Still in beta.
- G G G. The secret Google organization which tries to rid the world of those who they call the “evil ones,” known to most of us as Yahoo! users. They are secret and work underground, deep beneath Kansas City, California. Yes, of course it exists. GOOGLE SAYS THERE IS A KANSAS CITY, CALLIFORNIA, SO THERE IS!!! DO NOT QUESTION THE GOOGLE!!! Your memory will now be wiped clean. (FLASH!) Still in beta.
- Gmail. Web-based email service. Still in beta.
- Gmale. Finds a good man. Currently, despite work to extend the database and improve search algorithms, this service takes a long time to return search results, because a good man is hard to find. Still in beta.
- G-sus. Finds redemption from original sin. Still in beta, so you’re all going to hell.
- G-whiz. Like cheez whiz, but it comes in yellow, red, green and blue. Still in beta.
- G-unit. I’m not really sure what this one does. It’s some kind of a black thing. Still in beta.
- Gspot. Search engine for the clueless lover, helps find erogenous zones. Still in beta.
- Gstring. gstring service.. Still in beta.
- Gman. Locates a nearby FBI agent, or rather, brings him to your location by emailing the FBI text strings such as â€œI am a bad terrorist who wants to kill people with a biological weaponâ€ or â€œI want to fucking kill the presidentâ€ or â€œI am going to hijack a plane tomorrow at 2:45, I’ll be the bearded guy hanging out at Gate 23A with a white turban and carrying a large sign saying ‘TERRORIST’.â€ However the FBI usually responds weeks or months after the query, if at all. Gman can also be used to locate a mysterious suit-clad man who will help you fight off extradimensional aliens from Xen and Combine, or at least, lend you a crowbar. Still in beta.
- Gronimo. Finds local Indians to force onto a reservation. If the nearest Indians are already on a reservation, then Gronimo finds the nearest reservation so the Indians can be kicked off their land. Also locates casinos. Still in beta Casinos.
- Picasa. Creates modernist paintings of people with two eyes on one side of their head, like a halibut. Still in beta.
- Go Ogle. To organize the world’s porn and make it universally accessible and useful. Still in beta, but still works surprisingly well.
- gBay Was out of beta for a little while, but is now back in beta.
- GF. A search engine currently being used to find the elusive “internet female.